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Thoughts on The Lost Jedi

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1 Thoughts on The Lost Jedi on Sat Feb 10, 2018 10:16 pm

Let's forget about power for a bit. No, Rey's not supposed to be superwoman, but she is. Yes, she knows everything the sacred texts were written to record, and written history and teachings exist for a reason, but let's say she can write it all down again and excuse Yoda for not only interacting with the physical world as a Force ghost but also having a momentary lapse of alzheimer's.

The Empire is trying to destroy the fleeing rebel fleet. Our ace pilot character (we'll call him Ace because I forgot his name) decides to go and do something reckless: take out a dreadnought or something, in just a dinky rebel fighter ship. It's reckless and stupid, but he manages to pull it off somehow, and gets demoted. Nothing out of the ordinary so far. Later, Leia is put in a coma after she is sucked into the vacuum of space, which she survives by floating back inside. Wait, what? If she has that much power, why do they need to find Luke? We'll get to that. But as she's being wheeled away, she drops a device used to track Rey, which Fin picks up, and he decides to go on a personal mission to find her.

All leadership has been taken out, including Akbar (damnyoualltohell), and the next in line is Not-Shrinking Violet (can't remember her name). Now, Violet starts giving orders, and Ace comes up to her and asks what the plan is. Reasonable, right? But Violet doesn't tell him. That could have been an arc for her in itself, because leadership should keep its people informed of the plan, unless this is a special circumstance and you work in an intelligence/spy agency. But not only does she refuse to tell him, she refuses in the form of "you recently got demoted, didn't you? Shove off, scrub." And all I want to know is...why? More on this later.

On the isolated planet where Rey finds Luke, Luke dismisses her, telling her that the Jedi failed and that he never wanted to be found. Between Rey and Kylo being shoved together via psychic link (which gets explained later), Rey learns that Luke dug deep into Kylo's potential while Kylo was once his student, saw darkness that intimidated him, and in the moment his first thought was "he's irredeemable, I should kill him." And this is Luke. A guy who decided to risk his own painful death for a chance at redeeming Darth-fucking-Vader, and succeeded. And after this uncharacteristic thought runs through his head, he decides to give up. Because that sounds like Luke. Sarcasm is great. But back to the point where he doesn't want to be found. Why'd he leave the map? Why'd he leave his lightsaber behind? The circumstances behind the means they used to find Luke in the first movie is completely forgotten.

Fin and Rose meet up, and after coming up with a plan to greatly hinder the Imperial pursuit, they tell Ace and Ace decides to help them because he has no confidence in Violet's leadership ability (neither would I, if it's not obvious). They go to a planet where they're supposed to find a great hacker. This is a rich getaway where rich snobs go to be snobbish and evil, it's very cliche. Rose sees some race animals she adores, and they're being mistreated, and are also managed by child slaves (see what I mean). Instead of sticking with the plan, they decide to free the animals. Funnily enough, children are actually an afterthought to her, and when she does free the animals, she doesn't take the kids (not that she could, but still). This puts the mission in jeopardy, and out of jeopardy and into complete failure when they crash a vehicle that they stole. After all this, she still thinks and says that it was "worth it". The only reason they get to continue their mission is because their hacker they've been looking for shows up in a ship a la deus ex machina.

On planet Nowhere, Rey is introduced to the dark side. In her interactions with Kylo (who's name is Ben now, btw), Rey decides she has a chance to turn Kylo to the Light. He finds her, they leave, and they confront Snoke, the new Palpatine, in his throne room. This guy is great. He reveals that he was the one who pushed them together to cause this meeting. He then allows Kylo to kill him, But Kylo is still a bad guy, I guess, and his whole shtick is that the Sith and the Jedi need to end, and he's going to be authoritarian about it, and Rey runs away. This could have been where they both turn: Kylo to the Light, and Rey to the Dark without even realizing she has. But Snoke dies too quickly, they should have just escaped. It feels rushed, which is why I think this movie could have been two movies. It would have fared better split into two mediocre movies, and who knows, maybe they could have ironed out some of these huge problems in the lore and the plot. Also, Kylo tells Rey that her parents were nobody, dropping yet another thread from the previous movie. And then they have to have their Force grapple while they're a mere 3 feet apart, when one could have crossed the distance and took the lightsaber.

Back with the Rebel fleet, Ace learns Violet has been assigning people to transports to flee or something, believing her to be a coward and a traitor. Finally, Violet decides after confusing him enough that its time to tell him that he was wrong (he is), and that her plan is to evacuate everyone but herself to pilot the main ship and be a living target for the Empire. All she had to do was tell him when he asked for the plan, instead of belittle him during a crisis, when it's his job to know the plan and her job to tell him. And instead of focusing on her, the Empire attacks the fleeing fleet, so she flies her ship into the other...larger ship. Capital ship? I don't know. She succeeds in sheering it in half and exploding.

Yada-yada, Rey's on her way to the hideout on a planet full of salt (red salt) where the Rebel fleet has taken refuge. Ace plans a last stand, and Fin is about to sacrifice himself to stop a laser from a-firin' on the hideout, and suddenly Rose (who knows how to fly a Rebel dogfighter) flies right into Fin, almost killing both of them, and the laser fires without interruption. What's her logic? "I saved you." I couldn't stop giggling for 15 seconds. Welcome to the army, you silly bitch! Anyway she's now in a coma and definitely won't be court-martialed.

Finally, meditating, Luke materializes himself with the power of the Force to stall Kylo. Somehow knows where the Rebel fleet is. But it felt appropriate for Luke to mirror Obi-Wan. It works for the way Luke was written in this film, but it doesn't work for the Luke of the original trilogy. The way Luke was written doesn't fit him, it fits a shell that the decided to fill with Luke. And Rey is at the other side of an old secret route the Rebel follow to escape, and she moves away the rocks from an old landslide and saves them, she and Fin hug, roll credits.

This movie is a twisted mutant of the old movies, even of The Force Awakens. They dropped some things in Episode 7 to do their own thing and it doesn't work, at all. Kylo is "teh evil", Luke is a warped version of himself, Rose is a silly bitch, Fin is just incompetent and the movie forgets he was ever a stormtrooper, Chewie does nothing, the tiny duck penguins are insufferable (what's the opposite of vomit-inducing cuteness? They're that), and Rey is a Mary Sue. Yes I mean that, and no I'm  not being hyperbolic. This is the music you must face going into the third movie, if you dare, and I won't be coming with you. The old movies are fine and dandy, but the franchise is officially dead.

I would recommend this movie to you if you are interested in how to suck at writing and directing a movie. If you want to laugh, I recommend this movie at rental price. If you cherish Star Wars, this movie will disappoint you, and more than likely you'll sit there coming up with ten better stories in record time, and you could probably direct them as well if not better than Disney. If you were looking forward to a modern Star Wars with better effects, presentation and line delivery, you will find this movie's story wanting. I am not really a fan of the old movies, I haven't watched them all the way through, but I feel the betrayal that sweeps through the cosmos.

Didn't think I'd be begging for JJ to come back, and thanks to Ryan Johnson, it's too little too late. Well-fucking-done, chuckle-heads. Hope it was good for you.

1.5 Stars.

To play me off:

And they fucked up Yoda!

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